I know kind of a strange title! For those of you who have been reading my blog for some time now will know exactly what I am talking about when I mention having had a problem with a person who was once my friend. I was friends with this person and 3 others for oh about 3 years. This person ended our friendship and I still don't know why. I have gone through all the feelings of trying to get over what she has done to me, and what the others have done. I think maybe they feel to shun me because she doesn't want to be friends is okay but it is not. Anyway I don't want to get too far off the topic of unforgiveness...It is very hard for me to make a long story short so I would totally understand if you quit reading right here....this will be long!!
The other day I was talking with Roger on the phone while he was driving home from work and we were talking about this person~ I will call her J~ he was telling me I just need to get over it and not let what she did bother me so much. I told him I was getting better at it, I used to get up in the morning and think about J all day long trying to figure out what I did wrong and why she wouldn't tell me. This has tormented me daily but lately I really thought I was getting better about it, only thinking of J a few times a week. Then it hit me!!!! When I was talking to Roger about this that day I started to say something and can't remember exactly what it was but the following part I do remember because I couldn't even speak I just stopped and cried. That part was me telling Roger that "I wish I could just get over it but I can't because I just....and this is where I stopped talking, Roger had thought the cell phone had cut out but in fact it was just me realizing what was wrong. What I was going to say if I could have finished was "...I just Hate her so much and will never forgive her for what she has done to me and to my life." Now I know you are probably wondering why this bothers me so much. So someone doesn't want to be friends anymore so I should get over it and get on with my life. That is so much easier said than done. I have prayed many times about this, said I forgave her, apologized for what I did wrong (even though there has never been any time she has said what I did) but that was all just words. I didn't forgive her, not truly, not in my heart. I was hurting and she was the cause of it. One thing that also really hurt me was that the other women~ I will call them A, B, S they were my friends too but as soon as J decided to end the friendship they did too, why??? They never once contacted me to see how I was doing, nor find out what I had done to have all this happen they just sided with J. I did get an e-mail from both B and S only asking to not be put in the middle, did they not understand that I was not the only one putting them in the middle, J was doing it too by not giving me and answer.
So now on to the unforgiveness, I have been reading a book lately by Beth Moore called Praying God's Word, there is a whole chapter on unforgiveness. The more I read the more I realized that this was exactly what I was doing! There are many quotes in the chapter, but this one I was just really drawn to states~
Withholding forgiveness until an offender understands or acknowledges the emotional pain they have inflicted is a subtle form of revenge. Why? Because it's hoping that the offender would hurt a little too, in order to understand. But this type of revenge robs you of your freedom and allows the offender to keep control of YOU.
That just says it all, and it is so right! I want J to hurt just as much as she has hurt me!!!!But I need to realize that J has never understood or acknowledged the emotional pain she has put me through and basically she doesn't care.
Many people have either commented about this subject in the past or sent me e-mails about me not letting her steal my JOY, and this is exactly what I have been letting her do.
Some of the things in the book talk about how we need to Pray about the person we need to forgive
"A very important part of breaking free is learning to pray about the person and also for her." "What do I mean by praying about them? I mean learning to tell on them to God. Yes, I'm talking about tattling."
"Does it sound like vented anger, whining, complaining, and tattling to you? It is. And we, too are invited to bring our complaints to God when we are overwhelmed.Psalm 64:1 David said, "hear me, O God, as I voice my complaint."
Okay that is enough rambling for today, I am just exhausted thinking about this all, so much good info in this book. I will share more but right now I am still at the place of Praying about her to my God whose peace passes all understanding :)